To all the pastors willing to read:
I am writing this because I have come to realize that my life is about to embark on a new journey. And I have many questions that I hope you may answer for me. Let me start by telling you what has brought me here. Thanksgiving weekend my family and I went back home to share this holiday with our extended family. This time we decided to stay with my husband brother and his Family (Greg, Cheri, Bailey, and Logan). We typically stay with my parents however, my parents after 35 years have separated and I was not quite ready to face the change. While staying at Greg and Cheri we found out that Cheri is as big of a fan of the Jon and Kate Plus eight show as we are. During our stay we talked a lot about the show and that my sister in law (whose thoughts I have always cherish) had read Kate’s Multiple Blessings story. Truly curious I wanted to read this book. So when I got back home (to Ohio) I went to purchase the book only to find our local book store did not have it.
Well roughly two weeks ago on a Wednesday after noon my husband got a scary phone call. His dad had a heart attack and that they were going to be putting in a stint. It just so happens that he was home with a sick child that day and weather unfortunate or fortunate I don’t know. I however had to look my husband in the eyes as he told me that his dad had had a heart attack. Without hesitation I knew I had to take him to see his father. I immediately went into mode calling make arrangements for our trip home to Indiana. One of my many calls that after noon was to my father to see if he would help with our middle daughter because she was sick and there was no way she could be around my father in law. My dad asked if we need to stay with him or were we going to stay some where else. My husband said we were going to stay with him. This is the first time in the nine months since my parents had separated that I was going to be back in my childhood home without my mother living there. At that moment I did not realize or care how this week home was going to change me. When we final arrived in Indiana they had already wheeled my father in law out of surgy and into his room and it was to late to take my husband up to see him. He did however talk a few short minutes on the phone to him just enough to calm my husband down. The next day they released my father in law to go home. My Husband and I spent that afternoon with his mom and dad to be sure that his dad was okay. During this time I found out that had it been another 24 hours my father in law could have died. Along with that the doctor told him if he dose not take his medicine to help with build up he will died. However, over all he is back to being Ted.
Every thing was pretty normal at my dad’s house. My uncle has moved in so they can help each other out (more for my dad than my uncle). My father no longer sleeps in my parent’s room or their bed for that matter. However something had changed in my dad. He seems more at peace than I ever remember him being. He talked very freely to me and listened to every word never take any kind of offense to my opinion. My weekends with my parents usually happen like this. At night I talk with my dad, and in mornings I talk to my mom. That had changed my mom had moved out and those morning talks did not get to happen. I thought that I was okay with it. My mom was there a lot. She has gone back to work so she was there in the evenings with us. Thursday evening we went to see where she was living. It is a tiny apartment my cousin rented to her for next to nothing. Billy (my cousin) is my mom’s most beloved nephew; he truly means a lot to her and always has. His wild but calm personality is what I believe reflexes what she truly is like. I don’t believe for one minute my mom would take back the life she has lived. Just maybe wished she would have taken a few more adventures before family life. As I watched my mom she seemed sad to me like she was lost. This is a woman that has always appeared to me to know exactly what needed to be done. To know what my mom has gone through the last few years has been truly hard. She buried my grandmother, her mom, which was truly hard for her although you would not have know it at the time she seemed to be the only one holding it all together. Then two years ago one of my mom’s sisters died only to have her most beloved sister died two months later. My mom did everything she could to help these two sisters. When my first aunt died my mom was having thanksgiving with us here in Ohio. And My Aunt Missy had to be the one to hold it altogether. If you knew my aunt you would know that this is not her strong point. However, my mom and Aunt Missy relation ship took a terrible turn for the worse and only got worse when my other Aunt died. There’s more so hold on. I have yet another Aunt that lives in Colorado (Evie) and she came in for my second Aunts death (Martha). My Aunt Evie usually stays with my mom and dad. Because, of the issues going on between my mom and Aunt Missy, Aunt Evie stayed with Aunt Missy. Which in turned caused more issues for my mom. My mom doesn’t believe that she needs to feed a story for lack of better words. She just allowed god to do his work and work it out for her. I still don’t think it is all better like she claims. Why because she is truly sad. All of this that happened over the last two years along with other things caused a bigger ripe in my parents marriage, and my father at this time was very self concerning person. He did and still dose love my mom. But the love they had just wasn’t enough to hold them together when the storm calmed down. With much sorrow and love she had to get out. Now I watch her and see a woman slow falling apart. Our last day I had finally built up the courage to ask my parents for their wedding rings something I had come to want very badly. I asked my mom and she said that I had to ask my dad but to please not ask in front of her. So I ran outside to ask my dad. I fought back tears as I asked him only to watch his face and listen to him say they no longer exist. I said okay understanding what had happened to them. I went upstairs to finishing packing my family and started to cry realizing that my mom and dad where no longer my happy married parents that I had struggled to be so much like. These are the two most powerful people in my life. They are the only people I want to be the most like and the least like. They made me. They gave my good guidance and so much love. Now instead of together it is apart.
Later on that next week I bought Multiple Blessings by Jon and Kate Gosselin. It is a very easy book to read and became very hard for me to put it down. As I read this something started to change for me. Kate is odd to me at times on TV. There are things she won’t let happen that I think need to happen, however through it all she is truly a blessing herself. As I read this book she is truly thankful for all gods blessings. Most important to me and what is changing me is she believes god set this path for her along time ago.
Sunday night I watched the movie fireproof. Cheap acting at times however very profound for me, my body and sole started craving that need for god to be in front of me. See around ten years ago I cheated on my husband. I love my husband more than anyone can love someone. With out him at times I don’t know where I would be. However our marriage at first was horrible. I am the complaining type never seems to be happy about anything or anyone this complaining happens mostly to my husband and it includes him. He at times is very showvenistic, He never really helped me with the kids or house work and would be upset if the house was a mess (he still gets this way). Keep in mind I work full time and always have. He use to point out all the women he thought was beautiful and say don’t you wish you looked like that. (Something I am struggling to move past) He has not said or done this in over ten years. However Ten years ago he was in the military and was stationed in Korea where families can’t go. Shorty after he left I ran into a man that made me feel like I was truly loved. He never made me feel inadequate. He would say things that I had never heard. He found me sophisticated, beautiful, very loving, understanding, and self confident. Something he clamed he had never seen in a women. Being a lost and lonely person I fell for it. This affair went on for awhile. Jeff came back home taking a medical out of the military because of me. He claimed that he wanted to save his marriage and he would do what ever it took. So I said okay here it is. 1. Go to church with me every Sunday (that lasted two weeks) 2. Go with me to marriage councilor (only lasted a month because she told us we need to divorce and that is not what we wanted) 3. Help me and truly love me. He claimed and at times still claims he has always helped me. So wanting things to work we went to church that first Sunday he was back. While setting in church I looked up and said to the lord if this is where I am suppose to be and whom I am suppose to be with tell me now or my marriage is over. A very warm glow a true love came to me and said stay here it will work. Jeff and I just kept moving and stayed together and had our third child.
The movie fireproof grabbed me and said fix it and fix it now. I realized that all this and many, many, many other issues have clogged me. In the last two weeks I have started to hide, not talk to anyone, and cry uncontrollable, and want to run away from my beloved family to find a release (leaving my family has never been an option for me). The movie, the book, and even another book that is a little hard for me to read has been telling me that I need to have what I felt in church that first Sunday after my husband came back from Korea. This love this contentment is what I am now on a journey to discover and have full time in my life.
I do not know how to say this kindly however, I need a church that will take time and talk to me, help me understand many of the questions I have. Not push me into a group and pray that I get it. I have a million question about what your church believes and how it teaches the love of god. If you are willing to help me please let me know.
Answer just a few questions and email me your answers. This is not a joke this is real for me and I do not want to be taken lightly. This is a very deep and desperate cry for love and understanding. If you really believe god can help us all than don’t just pray for me help me understand and get back to where I am suppose to be.
- Dose your church believe that many opinions count or just what the pastors has to say?
- Dose the pastors take time for anyone not understanding god?
- What matters most to you as the pastor?
- Would some one not believing the way you believe still be able to come to your church without judgment? ( believing more in science side of life)
- What would your parishioners say about you, are a good and godly person or some one who knows the bible?
- Do you and your church want understanding from everyone or just want everyone to understand.
- Taking time for someone’s problems hard for the pastors?
- As a great complainer can you help me move past that to be able to come to god?
9. I know that this seems strange but I can’t go just anywhere. I tend to hind in the crowd and be quite even eventually quit going to church. I need a church that will make me work through and find god, are you willing to take me on and help?
I want to thank you from the very depths of my sole for reading and wanting to take on my challenge. I want this body and sole however god knows that I will probably be a huge challenge for anyone taking me on in this understanding and need for the altitmight love.
With great love
Pickerington OH